Somewhere along the way, as a child, I picked up the message that getting something wrong was a bad thing. Bad consequences would happen. It was on me to make sure I got things right. And for the most part I bought this.
My job was to ensure I didn’t make mistakes or get things wrong.
I didn’t realise till later in the piece that right and wrong are subjective. What’s right in one family, community, culture or religion can be wrong in another.
When I did start to see the subjective nature of this, sadly I didn’t see the mission impossible that I’d embarked on. I just got more vigilant. Ok in this setting, this behaviour is right, in this different setting, this is the expectation… Omg what a job it was, with the added driver that I thought that something terrible would happen to me or those I loved if I didn’t stay ‘on it’.
Over time bits of this dropped away, I saw through the chaos and impossibility of what I was trying to do. But essentially I was still unconsciously functioning from the same job description, ‘I had to work at being me!’ In hindsight it was a bit strange as I didn’t have such a strict set of rules for others, but it was so ingrained I didn’t question it.
In the midst of the personal development era, I started seeing that ‘trying to be me’ shouldn’t really be necessary so I embarked on a mission of ‘trying not to try…’ It felt like the obvious solution to change my behaviour. I see now how innocently I was still judging, assessing, comparing; not to mention I had a new layer of thinking to engage with, all in all quite a lot of work! Sadly most of the benefits only lasted when I remembered to change the behaviour.
In the process I became quite confused as to who I was….a role? Mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, homeopath, coach, gardener….until the illusion of this became apparent.
As I began to see through the misunderstanding, I saw that none of these behaviours were me. They were a result of learned thought. Simply a belief about what being me entailed. And ‘I’ wasn’t wrong! I was just a human being, doing what made sense in the moment. Sometimes it worked out as I’d planned and sometimes it didn’t. Go figure!!
I recognised that being offensive wasn’t my natural state; therefore trying not to be offensive and upset anyone was unnecessary. I saw that caring was my natural state so I didn’t have to ‘try’ to care. I realised that gauging who I am and how I am doing from the reactions of others was a misunderstanding that I had innocently acquired in childhood. It was deeply unconscious. I had simply thought this was how I was supposed to turn up to life.
I see now it is not about behaviour. That’s merely a response. Not who I am. Who I am can’t be wrong, only my behaviours can.
Relief is an understatement. I have settled. I have connected with a trusting peace in myself that has always been there, but was previously obscured by a heap of ‘well-intentioned’, believed, thought.
Being less careful has not made me careless. Instead I often have this beautiful sense of being carefree. I’m free to be curious about life. I am reminded of Mary Oliver’s poem The Summer Day, which ends with the question ‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’
On the occasions that I am wrong or make a mistake, the world doesn’t end. I am ok and so is my family. Sometimes there’s a bit of a palava, but it clears. I can breath. I am free to apologise or be apologised to. I feel humbled by life and all the misunderstandings that occur as we innocently go about doing the best we can. I accept that not everyone sees life the same way. I can stand in my humanness and see that this is all part of the human experience.
And I’ve realised something else that is an incredible gift. I am resilient and so is everyone else. Who we are, our connection to each other, goes way beyond behaviour and reactivity.
Trying to be me, is increasingly a thing of the past. I notice when I’m there because it’s totally confusing, adrenally exhausting, unrealistic and an uphill struggle.
One of the many privileges of having worked closely with people for over 20 years is I know this is not just my misunderstanding. I have experienced and witnessed the many ways this manifests. My deep wish is to share this simple understanding of how how minds actually work and where our experience of life comes from. To have others experience the deep joy and freedom that is available to us all.
With love to you all
Therese